Inspiration: My Hungarian Princess, Anna

Some of use are pen people and some of use are pencil people. Let me explain.

The last time Anna was in town, we went to a coffee shop to catch up on each other's lives, but also to catch up on some work that needed to be done. While working, Anna looked up from her planner and asked me for a pencil, but I told her I only had a pen she could use. Then she told me something that really got me thinking. She said something along the lines of being afraid of the permanency that comes along with using pens. Of course, I took this idea and started to overly complicate it in my mind.

This pen/pencil idea instantly reminded me of my student teaching days. My "master" teacher would tell the students that they needed to use pens in our English class so that they could take ownership of their work; that they needed to acknowledge the steps it takes to get to the finished product. He wanted students to own everything they wrote, even if they didn't end up using it. He did not want students to erase their creative process. Sitting at that coffee shop I realized that I am a pen person.

Sometimes, many times, I make mistakes. I am human. But I never attempt to erase them. I acknowledge everything that I have done, good and bad, and have used everything as a learning experience. Sure, there are things that I would have done differently, there are words that I wish would have come out a different way, but I cannot erase them. And if I try to hide what I have written in pen with scribbles, all I would have is a messy page. I try to stay clear of messy bullshit. I know that I cannot turn back time and stop myself from doing the things I have done. I can only look back, reflect, and start a new page.

Some people like to use white out. This liquid paper attempts to conceal what was originally there. But if you scratch at the layers, you will eventually get to the ink. You will find the first draft--the mistakes. So just own it.

What I really realized is that pens do not signify permanency. Nothing is permanent. Everything in this world is temporary and we can only enjoy what we have for a split moment in time. Nothing is permanent because we can constantly change the outcome of events. We may have started off with a poorly written sentence, but we can always go back and revisit it. Maybe even revise it. Sometimes we get rid of the sentence completely, but that original sentence may spark a new idea. So there isn't a need to erase. There is no need to scribble out and make a mess of life. All we need to do is write. After a while, we will eventually say what we wanted to say. And the process, all the mistakes in between, helped get us there.

And in the end, you die. And none of your mistakes would have mattered anyways. So, fuck it. Grab a pen and start writing--start living!